Attachment theory, dating challenges , Ethical non monogamy and me

Growing as a human is hard work... We have so many nuanced and interconnected layers.

Trauma , Disease, and disregulation exist anywhere in our in our mental , physical , emotional and spiritual bodies and selves.

Humans have well worn paths in our behavior and physical systems deeply programed in our nervous system . Those that have sustained various forms of abuse , at various ages have layered trauma and disease. Those that have grown up around addicts, narcissist parents and manipulators have grown up disregulated from day one.

A hot mess of endocrine system stress, with survival as "stasis" programed in from before we uttered our first words . Preverbal children that sustain physical, emotional, sexual and psychological abuse from caregivers do not grow up in a world that is "safe". These children do not know if their parents words, actions, or intent is in their best interest and grow up with attachment tendencies that can range from avoidant to anxious and if you are a special kind of special... Both anxious and avoidant.

Welcome to my nervous system and pre - self growth poor unregulated attachment patterns. This past two weeks I have been wading through my own psyche after what I perceived as a discard from a potential romantic partner. I wouldn't exactly call it a ghosting as the gentleman did have the directness and respect to tell me he had pause because of his own not feeling comfortable, safe , and I believe deep cultural values and beliefs that are not in alignment with my current self discovery , and self love journey.

I wouldn't say he handled himself perfectly but hey we all do the best we can , and deep communication can be uncomfortable. Sometimes people avoid, ignore and block as a coping strategy. Sometimes they even think they are being clear by ignoring... For those with anxious attachment... We cannot ignore something that is selitting there unresolved. For those with avoidant... Speaking about what you are unsure of had its own challenges. Luckily I am not in the us vs them camps , and just take every experience as another ... Well experience!

He had "pause" upon my request for some barometer of where his interest and intentions were. My internal reaction had me get stuck for a period in my own disregulation and deep desire for an actual partner and unfortunately I got a bit of it all over him... I couldn't hear his clear communication he needed space and was unsure and instead took it as

" rejection" .

I got trapped in anxious - attachment : analytical, emotional oversharing and treating someone as a partner ( trying to fix ,solve and work together before they have even demonstrated that's what they want, have bandwidth for , have emotional intelligence to handle and have interest in pursuing.)

My attachment tendencies got the best of me after I determined that he may be the caliber of man I would commit to, and instead of doing things in a slow , natural progression I tried to offer him my potential exclusiveness, stop talking to others and focus on him because weeks ago we had stopped talking because he zoomed in on a photo of me in my car and saw ... Yep ... What I have always been upfront and honest with... I am dating. Yes there other guys texting me.

When he appeared back in my inbox after taking his own space , it happened to be at a time I was really thinking on what I want in a partner and happened to be in my own form of

Biological heat cycle... Hormones do weird things and if someone is a good genetic match you can end up a bit obsessed until your back in a different part of your cycle. 😂

In response to being catfished hard ( think Netflix scammer level), realizing I am not the type to really play in such casual realms as I have been and seeing so far unmatched potential this potential partner had a lot going for them and I was willing to not only stop dating to work around his desires , but was willing to pause my own self exploration to focus on exploring our potential. A thing of beauty if the other is on board, a thing of pure torture when your unsure where they are at and are in limbo and you get stuck in attachment disregulation.

This potential suitor has been a few months of hot and cold, mixed signals and on- off deep attraction as I am very attracted at multiple levels but at a transition time of self growth and exploration , playing in realms of sensual exploration and reclaiming of self and until recently didn't think I was ready for any deep connection. I had been dismissive to him and avoidant in the beginning , then realized biologically, energetically, emotionally and to feel again held in the deepness I am ... I want and need actual partnership ... Not this dating little boys parading as men I have been playing with. Not the ultra casual of alot of " poly" dating , and ethical non monogamy practices.

I shared with him where I was at, shared why I was playing in the realms I am and shared because of meeting him I realized I want more and have bandwidth for more and well... He had his own human reaction, and didn't share much back with me . Perhaps he is avoidant and struggles with emotional shares. Perhaps he was busy and that week couldn't get into it. Perhaps this is not how you date and your supposed to play games that dating coaches recommend... I am unsure but I felt vunrable laying out my past and not getting real feedback. This activated my insecure attachment disregulation and I over invested, over communicated and got stuck in processing. I didn't even give the guy a few days , I just jumped to the next level of " are you in or not ?"

I Amped up my attention seeking behavior from him specifically in ways that likely triggered his fears as using apps to flirt is just filled with possible blunders . In case you don't know... you can accidently post globally from Whatsapp to your public or private fb and end up having hundreds of people in your inbox. 😂

When your already thinking good god... There are too many people and I don't like how much energy feels wasted with dating apps , dates and low potential you can feel inebriated , overwhelmed and again... Yep you guessed it avoidant.

Instead of trying to just communicate with him , because I knew I was stuck in overload and attention seeking , I tried to post flirty photos privately for just him... And yep... He thought I was posting to the world.

He tried to be very direct and clear, that he needed time and was focused on his medical career but my now anxious attachment system was activated ( because I put my cards on the table and now felt vunrable to be discarded ).

Cue in self doubt, and reassurance seeking. Cue in coming on to strong and sending someone potentially avoidant or busy professionally into feeling their boundaries or communication is not being heard or respected .

Sometimes when your anxiously attached you come on too strong, too clear and direct . Sometimes when your avoidant , you can't hold space for a direct conversation because you are not even sure exactly where you are at yourself ... And talking about it with another sounds like ICK and WHY BOTHER.. they are likely going to leave me once I let my guard down anyway because I am insert either too much or not enough. Sometimes you like someone and cycle between the two terrible pillars of non- secure attachment. ( Avoidant and insecure)

That's ok. To grow past being anxious, avoidant or both one has to first even know these are egoic conditions of the nervous system, mental field and emotional self. Once you know these are states you can find your self stuck in, operating from, or stuck in disregulation from, you can ideally then work towards having these not be operational conditioning patterns that make inter and intra personal relationships challenging and frustrating for others and self.

Sometimes one can be preoccupied if someone thinks you're enough. ( Anxiously attached ) And try to over communicate, flirt, and gather attention, admiration ect

Sometimes one can be preoccupied if the other is enough and rather than trying to see is there is alignment ( trust , morals & values, reciprocal effort, commitment desires & expectations , time availability and expectations/ desires ) go avoidant and not actually engage, give emotional bandwidth and vulnerability and just shut potential out and down . ( Avoidant- dismissive)

Sometimes if your extra lucky you can switch randomly back and forth between being avoidant or insecurly attached and drive your potential partners and your SELF batty.

It's am amusing dance between avoidants and those with insecure attachment.. it's an even more amusing dance when the two types battle within one human pulling and pushing them at different times .

The journey to healthy communication, boundaries, and aligned effort , values and morals is a HARD one within one person. Add in a whole other human( a la dating ) and gosh the lessons can be hard and challenging.

I am proud I am still learning. Proud I may fall off the bus every so often and get stuck in my own unhealthy understandings, patterns, reactions and understandings, but instead of laying there like a forever patient , sick with an incurable disease realize that most everything is just another affliction of the human carnate form. Another journey to work out in either the physical, emotional, mental or spiritual realm.

Likely all realms ... As I believe in a holistic look at pathology of the human condition and where it occupies body ,mind and emotion. There are it seems forever cascading systems of potential ease...And dis-ease available for us to experience and get stuck in or as we grow more powerfully CHOOSE to move beyond/ accept as a temporary and improve- able .

For now , I have taken my time to process my own short comings in my most recent almost dating. And yep... I still need someone secure, a good communicator, respectful, confident, available and interested in working through the human condition together to have me .

What I am so grateful for is because of this man I realized am back to having a romantic heart softly beating! I again am reminded it is possible to have deep, committed, heart centered and heart forward communication and relationships. I realize yep... My demi sexual self does absolutely need emotional connection. My powerful femine self realizes deeply how powerful romantic divine partnership is and I have returned to being a welcoming vessel for divine love.

My ever expanding journey in ethical non monogamy is still growing, and I have realized a lot of it is not for me . I am deeply committed to my partner as my root self with room for exploration and play. The way I love is deeply loyal and engaged and it doesn't charge my soul to be superficial with those I let into my life, heart and body. Unfortunately a lot of the poly dating and ENM I have experienced has been way too casual with most seeing me as a unicorn or satalite partner . I can't play and be fulfilled in those realms and if that is all there is there for me, I am not in . Monogamy seems to have its downfalls long term as well but the intimacy that develops is something I need and yearn for.

There are deep expressive parts of the poly play fields that do resonate for their care, self expression and commitment to working through challenge and deep relentless focus on growth ... AND to be transparent with my self and the universe: I want a partner all for myself. I will take my time in selecting him and getting myself to be the best form of me I can be.

Maybe I don't want to share longterm , and I definitely don't want to share while I am building a partnership. Maybe I am ok with some sharing sometimes when it's in integrity, safe, an authentic need and not escapism from a poorly functioning relationship and I and my partner have the bandwidth for it.

I for sure know poly single is not my cup of tea or sustainable for someone like me long term. It's impossible to feel close to someone when you see them once a month, it's impossible to build depth and trust when someone else is juggling other partners/potentials . How the heck you date and somehow dodge between those wanting exclusive from the start that have deep potential but not proven chemistry, reprocrosity, investment, self growth and dedication to together growth and those that want superficial but pretend they want more is still a lesson I am learning.

The whole poly vs monogamy seems like a mine field of growth potential for those actually committed to growing, for most I have encountered that growth comes from primary partnership. So maybe that's what I actually want.. a primary.

Maybe just maybe out there is someone that actually is all the things I yearn for and bring to the table myself. That authentically is my divine partner and for that magical man I am sure we will find such alignment we can talk through any details of how it all works long term.

So... Am I poly ? Am I monogamous... I still don't know . I think I have traits of both , a deep curiosity and really reframe from us vs them and judgement in such a deep way that I am just open. And maybe that's ok.. another human area to discover .

I AM the feminine, sensual, playful, artistic, powerful, and deep creature that I am. I no longer want to wait around for others to show up as present . If someone is uncomfortable with the fact that I am very comfortable within my own body after living an early life of shame around my desires, needs and sexuality I cannot hold that for them. I fought too hard to not be sexually anorexic to make myself wrong for being a desirable creature. Now will I honor your boundaries if they come from a working towards healing and safety place with me as a partner ? Absolutely without question.

Safety and self expression is my jam. Authentic relating, with a focus on supporting true intimacy is tantamount to me. And I just don't follow the prescribed social norms anymore , I don't allow " others may judge " , your not " normal", or any form of other based projection upon me any more to control my own internal narrative, desires or playground.

For those just hearing about my journey from someone abused at nearly every level of development , I can understand that my level of confidence and openness around sexuality and sensuality can feel confronting. I can get that it can be triggering to your own projections of your own fears of judgement, lack of feeling loved , chosen or enough. That if you grew up with monogamous parents that were faithful and you meet a wild woman that is willing to walk on the edges of ethical non monogamy that it might be affronting to say the least.

And as much as the old me wants to apologize for being too much or not enough... I just won't anymore. I like my growth. I see how hard I have fought for it. I see how even when I misstep or falter I will take responsibility and look at my own actions. And I know that each

" Mistake" is just another " take" at how to further understand disregulation, trauma and pathology and another " take" at practicing how to self regulate a bit better. How to self resource. How to identify when oh shoot... Your in the avoudant- insecure feedback loop again.

Thanks Universe... And thank you DR... another lesson in my psyche and how to be a better communicator, partner , how to love myself, understand my self and take responsibility for my own bullshit at a even deeper level. Our lessons and growth come in each moment and our path crosses others at moments ment to inspire . I am so thankful for each connection and each step along the way. Even when my human patterns are less than stellar to experience in the moment, I know I am growing and those little scratches I get on my legs as I run through this human experience are all just part of it .

Heart 💜 XOXOXO Cherish-Nicole